marihayes-soapbox is open!

I understand that everyone has to make money to live. I have been looking for something too, but I will never be a spammer. These people are the leaches of the internet. At least half of my emails are spam. I wish I could send them a virus that would render their computer useless. They spy on you and slow down your computer with their spam. There is NO REASON to make your money by harrassing other people. I have spyware and virus protection that I use every day. Still these people clog my computer daily with their unwanted stupid sales tactics. They are the scum of the Earth, on the same line as those little geeks who send viruses for fun. They don’t measure up in ANY other way, so they get their jollies messing with other people. I say get a life you little weasels! I would buy a program that would pick up on the viruses and send a worse one immediately to their computer. You would think that the government could make it illegal in the US. They are more concerned with steroids in sports. It really doesn’t effect me at all if the sports people want to fill up on steroids or anything else. Hey if they want to shrink certain parts of their bodies, I don’t care. I just feel bad for their girlfriends.

There are so many online opportunities on the net without resorting to this form of business. I will never utilize any of the stuff you sell because of the way you sell it. I don’t care how good it is. And it is as bad as telemarketers. If I want your product, I will call you. I get calls daily-all day, all night up until 9 o’clock. It really is rediculous and should be illegal. I have been offered a extended warrantee for a 22 year old car at least 100 times until I actually picked up one day and told them what I drove and asked to be taken off their list. Still the calls continue.

Even on websites like this one that prohibit this practice, everyday I have to delete comments on my blog page. I have emailed the moderaters about it to no success. I just delete them now. I’m not going to further complicate my day learning how to report them or get rid of them. I read and appreciate all legitiment comments about my blogs. I’m glad someone is reading. However if all you are going to do is spam me- get a real job. I think maybe there ought to be internet police, people who go after child molesters, hookers, spammers and other riffraff who are using the internet to continue their illegal and immoral practices. Some sites try to regulate it themselves but these criminals are really slick. If they only applied them selves as much as they do trying to rip good people off, they would be doing great.

It’s hilarious how some sites are saying they are dealing with it but really aren’t. Craig’s List is a good example. They say they are fixing the problem of online prositution on their site but months later it is still going strong. What was it you did? My Space is the child molesters catalog. My server says they are stopping spam but every day I get more. When is something really going to be done about it?

I’m barely surviving trying to raise 2 kids on temperary disability, yet I will never resort to any of this foolishness. I would rather be poor than lower myself to their level. If you feel the same way, email me or comment on my board.

It is the season for crankiness in the northern part of the country. The daily level of sunlight is low, the snow and ice haven’t melted in weeks and now we are due for another. I have gone through 2 bags and 4 jugs of assorted ice melts. I still have an inch of solid ice in my driveway. You just slide out into the street. All the store for miles around have sold out of sand. I’m going to a larger town one half hour away to hunt some down. I can’t wait until all this miserable stuff finally melts and spring arrives.

It is a tough time to be motivated to keep up with your resolutions. I have been trying to keep busy cleaning and organizing to fill my free time. I leave lights on in the rooms I’m in to simulate the natural sunlight that we are lacking.

We are looking for things to do that get us out of the house. Luckily there are a number of hunting and fishing expos coming to our area soon. We went to three last year and enjoyed them immensely. There was a great birds of prey demonstration at one that was really cool. They got the crowd involved by having the falcons and hawks fly between a line of volunteers to get a treat at the end. There was also a guy walking around with a three foot long baby alligator that you could touch. He had his mouth taped shut so he couldn’t bite. There was alot for kids and adults to enjoy.

I started my spring cleaning a little early too. Being laid off is good for my house bad for my pocketbook. I really needed to deep clean some areas and we are preparing to stain our wood floors as soon as the weather breaks. I have been selling and giving away things I no longer need and it is going well. I made some mistakes but that is the way I learn- the hard way. At least I got rid of some clutter so it is easier to keep it clean.

All winter is to me is a pain in the back and a battle to not wipe out and end up on Utube. When I was younger I loved the sledding, ice skating, snowball fights and snowmen. I could care less if I ever see snow again. It is no longer a beautiful, school free event. Now it represents work and danger. I must be getting old. I’m just glad we only have 2-3 more months before Spring arrives.

I can’t tell you how many times a day I have a negative thought. It can be about myself, an annoying person near me, or something on TV. Maybe stress makes it worse, or maybe I’m noticing it more, because I’m into self improvement at the moment. I’m not sure what the reason is, but it is apparent to me that I need to change my way of thinking.

I have alot of things I would like to work on about myself. I need to quit smoking for good. I need to work out more and improve my body image. I need to find a way to make money online. I must get my car going, it is in the shop now. I ‘ve got to organize my house better and work on my finances. Like I said I have alot of work to do.

To get this heap of self help projects done I will need to retrain my brain to shut off the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. It is very difficult to break free of the limiting parts of your personality. I need to keep telling myself that I can do anything I want.

I believe that people can change and must continue to learn or they become stagnent. Everyday I try to improve myself in some small way. Small steps and a good plan can make the process easier. Nobody likes getting outside of their comfort zone, but sometimes you need to. I’m trying to think of fear in a whole new light. Staying inside of the comfort zone will get pretty boring after awhile. Take a small step out. Drive home a different way. Look in your closet for something you normally wouldn’t wear and do it. Try a new food. It can be a real eye opener. After all if you don’t like it, you can always go back to the norm. You never know until you try.

A few times I did this and loved what I did, and sometimes it was a mistake. Mistakes are learning experiences. Embrace them- it’s how we learn and we all make them. It is important to learn from them so they don’t repeat themselves.

I need to give myself a chance to make it work or not. The world limits what and who we are enough, I don’t need to add restrictions to that too. I’m going to work on all of my faults at once and hope I can make daily progress. It’s hard work to improve yourself but I feel I’m worth it.

At Christmas do the people in your family tell you what they want for holiday presents? The people in mine had very exact lists. They even showed me ads. I like a few surprises, but not having money at this time, makes giving or receiving useless gifts that much worse.

 My kids wanted alot of practical things. They are older and know my situation. They have been really good about asking for things I couldn’t get. Elise got alot of clothes as she is 12 and she can’t have enough. She got music and a digital camera also. Rob got a printer, and other electronic toys along with some puzzles and clothes. I was surprised by my son, who is 17 and only earns his spending money being a soccer referee. He got me a popcorn maker, and my bf a controller for xbox. He is such a great kid, he has very little money, yet he bought something for me. That was awesome.

Every holiday, we go to my bf’s sister’s house. On Christmas Eve we go to his parents.  There’s no tradition- we eat off paper plates with plastic silverware, unless I bring mine. No grace, no games, no Christmas carols.  I was told ahead of time that my kids need to take off their shoes and to make sure they say thank you to his parents. Good thing I was warned, I was going to let them in there with mud up to their knees and a bad attitude . Gee, why would they feel uneasy?  I think his family is bummed about his choice of gf. I guess I wasn’t what they had in mind for him.

The other thing that sent me over the edge was that Mike got me a present that I didn’t want or ask for, and he spent more on it than any of my other gifts. The stuff I wanted and needed I will have to go out and buy for myself. He went to the mall to buy me a chain. At one of those booths in the center of the mall, he bought 200 dollars worth of lotions and scrubs. I told him last year when he did this that he got ripped off badly, and don’t do that again. That was 40 bucks, this was over 200! It comes from Israel. It is called Vivo and it is a bunch of junk. It’s no better than something from Walmart. She even told him that they would be leaving the country immediately upon closing and after the sale, stamped the sales slip with a no refund stamp. You would think bells would go off, telling him this was a rip-off. Not a chance- the girl said it was really good, and she rubbed cream on his hand and it made it soft. Of course it did, he just came from work and his hands were all rough, peanut oil would have done the same thing. I told him to buy me Burt’s Bees products. I don’t want the extra chemicals and they are made in the USA. He knows how I feel about buying outside our own country- we need the jobs, not Israel! He also knows I am against the war over there, so what does he do? He buys a product made in the middle east, of unknown ingredients for my big present. When I got mad and said I wanted to return them, he got really mad, told me I was ungrateful and I could call him when I wanted to apologize. Ha, that would not be happeneing-EVER! He left after packing up his presents and went to his parent’s house . He called a couple of times but I was too pissed to talk to him, so he came back over. His sister and this rip-off company has ruined any memory of this Christmas for me. I took down every decoration in and out of the house the next day- I don’t want to remember any of it. Unfortunately I will be paying off my portion for months.

I am going to make it my next pet project to harrass, and stalk this company until they send back the money. The parent company is American so I’m going to report them to the BBB and anyone else who will listen. My bf is appalled and told me he threw out the receipt- doesn’t matter. They are not going to like it when they get bad publicity on every website I can think of. I went on their website to try to remedy this, but they set it up so you can’t see the whole telephone number and the email won’t work. Not a problem- I’ve got all day.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful, I am pleased with all the other stuff. It really bothered me that this was my most expensive, big gift and it was a total rip-off. It is hard to feel grateful for something so useless and unwanted. I spent every dime I had to get them everything they wanted. I got one thing on my list, and it was a game for his game system, so when he left yesterday, and took the system, I had nothing for all that money and effort.

Money is really tight right now. I don’t have a car that is running. I could have used that money to fix my car.  I don’t want alot, I just want my crappy old car to run. That money would have paid for the brakes and a new battery. Instead some B#@ch is walking around with the money and I’m walking to the supermarket.

Next year will be different. I’m telling Mike to bring someone else with him, so he doesn’t buy stupid stuff. I’m buying presents for myself and I’m cooking at home. I don’t care if it’s just me-at least the company will be good.

Stopping smoking is definitely not going to be any easy ride. I’m having such nasty cravings. It doesn’t help that I have a sick kid home from school. I feel miserable and I really don’t want to have anyone around. Luckily she is upstairs sleeping. I think I need to take a nap myself.

I’ve been trying to stay busy but everytime I go down cellar, I want to have one. I haven’t gone to the store so I can’t buy any. I wish they had a magic pill that would make these feelings go away, but nothing is ever that easy.

I have to concentrate on the positive benefits I will be enjoying by quitting. I will smell better, and so will the house. The cost of cigarettes has gone through the roof, so that will help to have more money. When I go to the store to buy butts, I end up getting other items. So I should save money there too. It will be a battle, but I have to win it. I need to make myself a priority and that is abnormal for me.

Healthwise, I need to stop killing myself. Sure it is a slow death, but I’m hurting myself just the same. My mother died of a heart attack and my dad died six months before from complications from multiple mini strokes. Both of these are preventable if I can stop now. I have done it before, but I keep going back. I wonder why I turn to something to comfort me that took my parents from me way too soon. It is ironic and sad. I don’t want to continue doing what I have been- it isn’t working for me. I ordered lunch for myself and my daughter as a treat. We both feel sick so hopefully this will get us to eat. It probably is a good thing I am sick- it should make it easier. Hopefully I can be strong and stick to my guns.

I have had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes for my entire adult life. I guess it started because both of my parents smoked until their deaths . And yes they died too young of smoking related illnesses. You would think a relatively intelligent person would see what was in her future ? Still it is so hard to quit. I keep going back when I have the unavoidable stressful situation. Sometimes I feel so strong, and sometimes I feel so out of control. I have quit many times, but making it stick is where I go wrong.

I know all the health risks. I feel robbed of the time I had with my parents. My daughter never met them. They would have loved and given so much to my children, that it makes me very sad for them. I know I am doing the same thing to my kids but I keep going back to the familiar even when I know it is bad for me. I’m hoping writing this down will give me the strength I seem to lack.

More than doing it for my kids I need to do it for myself. I need to conquer this demon once and for all. I need to feel better about how I view myself. I need to prove to myself that I am the master of myself.

I’m not fooling anyone. I try to hide in the basement or take the dog out even in bad weather. My kids and my boyfriend have caught me numerous times. I put on perfume to cover up the smell. It doesn’t work. I spray, burn candles, and incense to mask the odor. It’s pathetic, I know.

It’s not only the health reasons and the shame of hiding my addiction, I have other issues left over from the past. My ex liked women to have a boyish figure. He considered anyone over 110 pounds to be obese. I felt a constant pressure to be someone I wasn’t. Yes, I can get down to that weight, but I don’t look or feel healthy. In the past I have used cigarettes to regulate my weight. This bad behavior is spoiling my present health, mental and physical.

It’s going to take alot of motivation and grit to get through the first couple of days. You really think of it all the time. As time passes the urges go away, until you don’t think of it at all. Then I run into a smoker and it all falls apart. I have to develop a plan of what I am going to do in certain situations until I get over the physical cravings. I need to replace it with something in the meantime so I got alot of candycanes on sale after Christmas. I have some tobacco replacement gum too. I’m also planning on doing another activity like cleaning to keep myself busy and wear myself out. We also got an XBOX 360 with Rockband, so I have been dabbling in that. The less I smoke the better my singing scores will be. It’s a start.

I want my kids to be proud of me for my resolve too. I know they hate this bad habit. My boyfriend has no faith in me, and I don’t blame him. His parents have both smoked his entire life so he is pretty forgiving, but I think he felt betrayed when I fell off the wagon. I felt like I had let him down. Luckily he still supports me in the quest and is not of the same mind when it comes to a woman’s shape. He likes women to have some curves and I’ve never had a guy feel that way before. I’m still constantly thinking I look fat. I’m 5′2″ tall and weigh about 140. I would like to be in better shape, but I’m comfortable with myself.

It is going to be a long hard struggle, so if anyone out there has any help or encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it. I’ll keep writing to ease my mind and hopefully it will be the push I need to stay the course.

For Christmas I got the game Rock Band for the XBox 360. We set it up and have been playing it daily ever since. It really is loads of fun, but you don’t need any real musical ability to play it.

I’m no kid, never was into video games too much, but I do know how to sing. All through high school I was in choir and chamber singers senior year. For years I have been playing the guitar, yet I’m still just mediocre. My boyfriend has never had any experience except listening to it. He is doing just as well as I am and has mastered more instruments than I have! We had played it at someone’s house a few times before so we knew we would like it. My daughter has guitar hero and loves it too.

We have set up individual accounts, and we have a family band. I eventually want to learn all of the instruments. They include the guitar, bass guitar, drums and a singer. I’ve only dabbled in everything but the vocals. That is where I do really well. Everybody wants to get good at all the parts so we can switch off and not get bored.

 It really is a great family game that you can share. Most games are meant for certain age groups but this game is universal. I have broken a sweat in the middle of a blizzard snow storm in a hundred year old house not well insulated. It will be interesting to see if I lose weight due to playing. That would be a nice side effect. We have such a great time playing together and encouraging each other to get better. Some families have a hard time talking and this game stimulates conversation. Check it out, have some fun, and get your groove on. You just may surprise yourself.

A couple of days ago, my neighbors’ kids asked me to come over really quick. They said their mother was going down cellar with a rope to kill herself. I went over there right away and went down there to see what was happening. It took a few minutes for her to open the door, and when I finally saw in there, a noose was laying on the floor. I pretended that I had only stopped by to see how she was doing. She assured me everything was fine so I went back to my housework. Over the course of the day, her kids came over 4 more times to say she threatened to jump off a building, drown herself and slash her wrists. She had been hurt earlier in the week and gotten pain killers from the emergency room. So she had access to pills too. I asked the kids if her boyfriend around, and they said yes, but he wouldn’t answer them. I guess he had seen this ploy for attention before. I had found out earlier that she had gone off anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medicine just a week ago, without any knowledge of her doctors.

My daughter was outside with her freinds when the mom came out of the house and started wandering around the field behind us. I looked out the window to see. Her kids were outside talking to my girl and then all hell broke loose.

My daughter said that she had something in her hand, which she did. Her son said it is a knife and ran in the house to get the boyfriend. While the boyfriend was outside trying to talk her inside, her kids came back to my house, crying and screaming for me to call the police. They wanted thier mother to go to the hospital. These kids are barely in thier teens and were desperate. They told me the boyfriend said to call. I asked again, Are you sure he said that? And then, are you sure he said to do it? They both said yes, and then the daughter said ,well maybe she will get mad. The girl should be mad at her mother for putting her in this bad situation.

The boyfriend got her inside, and then she came banging on my door. I answered it only to have her verbally assault myself and my daughter, screaming like a banshee. She make my daughter burst into tears by the rotten mean things she said. Her kids stood there and LIED and told her it was all my daughter’s fault. There were witnesses to what happened, but they didn’t care if they got caught lying, they wanted her to stop screaming at them. She then slammed my 100 year old glass storm door amd went home. I had a talk with my daughter after calming her down, that she cannot ever trust them again because they lied about her to save their own skin. She will not be playing with them. They are not worthy of her.

 Right after that the cops showed up. They went to her door, talked outside for a minute tops, questioned  the boyfriend and the kids right in front of her for all of a minute, and left. I could hear her lying to the cops saying I was nuts and she was just fine. Good actress, too bad she’s not on stage. You would think in the acadamy they would teach cops to interview other witnesses, especially children, properly.They dropped the ball so bad, it was sad. They were completely useless. This was the Burrillville Rhode Island Police Department. I would have been better off calling a clown wagon. Come to think of it -I did.

She was on a rampage now! She accossted my boyfriend when he came home from work on my back porch and threatened me and my kids. He just said hi to her and was screamed at.  She took the gifts that we had bought for herself and the kids and put them in a bag at my backdoor. They deposited the cookies I had brought over there too. She spent the rest of the night harrassing her family. She broke all the kids’ big presents right in front of them, because she was angry. I will never speak to her again, and I’m actively looking for another place to live. I can’t subject my kids to this craziness. I don’t want to live like that. I’ve been here 7 years and They were here 6 months and I’ve seen and heard enough. Let my landlord deal with it. You would think with past domestic assault charges, multiple trips to the loony bin, child services coming weekly to see her daughter, that someone would DO something. And people wonder when they see horrible crimes on TV, why doesn’t someone help? I know why. The people who try to help get blamed and harrassed or worse, dismissed. She should have had those kids taken away a long time ago. They have had to endure untold scenes. The reason why the boyfriend didn’t act? He had seen this act many times. He wants out of there so bad. If she wanted attention, there’s much better ways to do it.

I’m out- if she wants to off herself, so be it. I tried to help, and paid the price. The last thing I wanted to deal with was two panicked kids and a crazy neighbor . I was only dealing with getting my boiler fixed, getting my car towed, an oncoming blizzard and making cookies for the holiday. Happy New Years? Hardly! Too bad I don’t drink, I could have used a couple last night. New Years is amateur night,after all.

I’m an avid Patriots fan, before you hate me, I was a fan when they were terrible. I sat and watched our first go at the Super Bowl become a game you want to forget. I was there for the bad, so I stuck around for the miraculous emergence of Tom Brady. Between him and Bellichek and the team behind them, they did the impossible. They brought a mediocre team into a dynasty. Last year our perfect season was stopped short when we lost the big game.

We started out this season with great hopes of coming back to reclaim the Super Bowl. Then, Tom Brady went down in the first quarter of the season’s first  game. Every Pats fan sat in stunned amazement as our savior was carted off the field. Noone could see what was to come.

The coach brings in our backup. We desperately started looking for a new QB. Matt Cassel had enough talent to catch Bellichek’s eye, but did he have what it takes to be an NFL quarterback? After all, he had never played a game outside of high school. His college career was spent sitting on the bench. He rode the pine after being drafted late. Could this newbie really play?

At first it was shaky and we had some heart-breaking losses. These losses would come back to haunt us later on when we battled for the wildcard slot in the playoffs. Little by little Matt kept getting better. Maybe it was sitting and learning behind Carson Palmer and Tom Brady. Maybe it was Bellichek’s tutorage. Maybe it was the splendid team that was behind him. Maybe it was a little of everything. Matt Cassel was thriving.

Fast forward to the end of the season, which was cut short by being eliminated by our stats. The Pats didn’t even make the playoffs because we won our last game but also needed one of two teams in our division to lose their last game. Unfortunately they didn’t comply. What a turn around from last year’s perfect season.

Now what do we do? We have Tom Brady sitting by waiting to heal. He is our go-to guy. We have super bowl rings thanks to his ability. But he may not be the same player he was before the knee surgery. Then there is Cassel, who is younger, more mobile and seems to have learned poise under pressure, from Brady. I don’t want to be responsible for that choice. What if we let Cassel go and he becomes the premier quarterback of all time? What if we do that and Brady goes down again? I doubt they have another awesome QB in their back pocket. Though Bellichek has surprised me before. The big wigs at the Pats have a difficult decision to make. It will be an interesting spring regardless.

It’s the final stretch, everything is almost done, and I’m taking a moment to reflect on what is most important in my life. My children are very much loved and I cannot imagine them not being in it.

Robert is a great young man. He is seventeen and is first in his class, he played varsity soccer for 4 years, team co-captain as a senior. Yet he is modest, unspoiled, and a truely kind soul. He has always been very intelligent and very confident. I’ve always told him he was a sponge for information. He has wonderful prospects in his future.

Elise is a warm, caring 12 year old who has many talents in the arts. She can draw the most unbelievable artworks. She sings and does all kinds of crafts. She is really sweet. She is never  mean to anyone, even when they don’t do the same. Elise is my social butterfly.

Mike and I have been going together for years and I’m so thankful that I found someone who shares so much with me. He is always there when I need him, he is my rock. It is a rare thing in this world to find a person who loves you and is willing to be an equal partner. We make a good team. We have found hobbies that we do together because we enjoy each other’s company. It never gets old with us. In spite of not agreeing on a number of topics, we don’t talk to each other in a disrespectful way. No matter how angry I get sometimes, I never stop loving him.

I don’t have the latest and greatest of things. It’s not necessary. I have everything I need, I am quite comfortable and I have not gone without. Most people would consider me poor. I feel I’m rich. I guess it just depends what scale you are using.

This Christmas I am even more thankful after my children were involved in a roll over car crash last weekend. Luckily they were not going fast- just too fast for an inexperienced driver on ice. Noone was hurt in the accident and a nice homeowner near the accident took them in from the storm and helped them. The car was totaled but hopefully every kid in that car will be more careful next time. After getting that phone call, I took a moment to think about  how close I was to losing both of them, and it gave me a whole new appreciation of how great they are. At this time of year people are so busy and distracted and impatient. It’s important to take a break and remember why you care about the people for whom you are buying those gifts.