Jan 07 2009
Quitting Smoking
I have had a love/hate relationship with cigarettes for my entire adult life. I guess it started because both of my parents smoked until their deaths . And yes they died too young of smoking related illnesses. You would think a relatively intelligent person would see what was in her future ? Still it is so hard to quit. I keep going back when I have the unavoidable stressful situation. Sometimes I feel so strong, and sometimes I feel so out of control. I have quit many times, but making it stick is where I go wrong.
I know all the health risks. I feel robbed of the time I had with my parents. My daughter never met them. They would have loved and given so much to my children, that it makes me very sad for them. I know I am doing the same thing to my kids but I keep going back to the familiar even when I know it is bad for me. I’m hoping writing this down will give me the strength I seem to lack.
More than doing it for my kids I need to do it for myself. I need to conquer this demon once and for all. I need to feel better about how I view myself. I need to prove to myself that I am the master of myself.
I’m not fooling anyone. I try to hide in the basement or take the dog out even in bad weather. My kids and my boyfriend have caught me numerous times. I put on perfume to cover up the smell. It doesn’t work. I spray, burn candles, and incense to mask the odor. It’s pathetic, I know.
It’s not only the health reasons and the shame of hiding my addiction, I have other issues left over from the past. My ex liked women to have a boyish figure. He considered anyone over 110 pounds to be obese. I felt a constant pressure to be someone I wasn’t. Yes, I can get down to that weight, but I don’t look or feel healthy. In the past I have used cigarettes to regulate my weight. This bad behavior is spoiling my present health, mental and physical.
It’s going to take alot of motivation and grit to get through the first couple of days. You really think of it all the time. As time passes the urges go away, until you don’t think of it at all. Then I run into a smoker and it all falls apart. I have to develop a plan of what I am going to do in certain situations until I get over the physical cravings. I need to replace it with something in the meantime so I got alot of candycanes on sale after Christmas. I have some tobacco replacement gum too. I’m also planning on doing another activity like cleaning to keep myself busy and wear myself out. We also got an XBOX 360 with Rockband, so I have been dabbling in that. The less I smoke the better my singing scores will be. It’s a start.
I want my kids to be proud of me for my resolve too. I know they hate this bad habit. My boyfriend has no faith in me, and I don’t blame him. His parents have both smoked his entire life so he is pretty forgiving, but I think he felt betrayed when I fell off the wagon. I felt like I had let him down. Luckily he still supports me in the quest and is not of the same mind when it comes to a woman’s shape. He likes women to have some curves and I’ve never had a guy feel that way before. I’m still constantly thinking I look fat. I’m 5′2″ tall and weigh about 140. I would like to be in better shape, but I’m comfortable with myself.
It is going to be a long hard struggle, so if anyone out there has any help or encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it. I’ll keep writing to ease my mind and hopefully it will be the push I need to stay the course.
