Dec 19 2008
Feeling Inferior
Lately I have been doing the self defeating practice of comparing myself to others and coming up short. It seems like my self esteem is at an all time low. I’m not sure whether it is the time of year, my changing body shape, financial issues, or the lack of reality of my injury to my whole family. It’s probably a combination of them all.
I’m going through cigarette withdrawal, but so far I’m doing okay. I really need to quit for alot of reasons, but the main one is myself. I want to live as long as I can, my parents both died too young due to smoking. Still it is difficult in times of stress not to go buy a pack. I have to keep telling myself that my problems won’t go away if I have a butt.
It could be that my body is giving me major issues. My back is really bad, so I’m out of work on temperary disability. I just got my first payment since the first week of November this week, just in time for the holidays. I can’t work out too much either, so I’m getting bigger and I’m not thrilled. My boyfriend is alot more supportive of my addiction to butts campaign, and my big butt, than my ex was, so it makes it easier but still hard.
Financially I have had a hard time since the divorce, made worse by having surgury on my back that was unsuccessful. My bf thinks I took my chances and lost, and I should just go get a job. Unfortunately, my doctor hasn’t authorized me to go back to work full time, federal disability turned me down, I got laid off and my car is broken. I’m not sure how much that is going to cost. I live in a rural area, and in this economy, they cut the one and only bus route out of this one horse town. I have major nerve damage in my legs, and I have to find a lawyer to go after the doctor who did the surgury. My back will never be the same, and he made my back ten times worse than before the surgury. I don’t want alot, just enough to get by because now I can’t work.
Comparing yourself to others can be very painful. I’m feeling incredibly vulnerable and this time of year makes it worse. I wish I could get the stuff I want to for my kids. Not too much, just being able to go to a store and not worry if I will have enough for my purchases. I’d like to buy a few non-essential items without feeling deep pangs of guilt. When I see people being wasteful it gets me mad.
Maybe it is just the lack of sun that we get in winter here in New England. I always seem to be a little cranky when the days get shorter. I miss being outside on the boat like we were all summer. It is snowy and icy and windy and it stinks to be in New England right now. There’s another storm coming in that’s going to be at least 12 inches. Yuck.
I guess I need to start looking at what I have, rather than what I do not. I have to enjoy my family, the holidays, my unexpected early retirement, and come to appreciate the things that are good about my body and personality, and let go of the things I cannot change. It’s hard to lighten up when you carrying such a heavy load. So, I’m hoping in the next week I will be touched by the magic that is Christmas.
